24 Favourites: 9&10 {& Reflections on Suicide.}

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

- Emily Dickinson

I had intended on posting this much earlier, but one week ago today one of our friends decided to take her own life. Suicide is something that I have not really had to deal with or confront on any level until now. I am having a very hard time making sense of this seemingly senseless act, and I did not even know her super well. How could someone feel so alone? The church was absolutely packed at her viewing - full of family and friends coming to grieve her. The only thing that I can think - that I have been able to think all week - is that this does not make sense. And yet my mind still tries to find meaning somewhere. If this is the affect that her death has had on a person who really only knew her when we hung out occasionally in groups or on double dates, I cannot even imagine how her family, her boyfriend, her close friends must be feeling. There are so many Whys? and What Ifs? And no answers.

I created the list of my 24 favourite things a few weeks ago, when I started posting them. I write each post on a weekly basis, but I basically look at my list and figure out what I want to write about that week. When I was trying to figure out what I would write for this post, I saw that I had included both my family and friends, and my boyfriend. In light of the circumstances and my current mind-space, those are the two favourites that I will write about this week.
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9) My Family and Friends:

I have been blessed with an amazing family and I would not trade any of them for the world. There have been hard times when I have not agreed with them, or really even liked them at moments. But I have never felt unloved by any of them. My family is one of the most important influences in my life. I know that, no matter what, they will always have my back and will never leave me unsupported. I also know that they do not always agree with the choices I make or my political beliefs, but they respect the fact that I have to make my own choices and know that I do not make them lightly. But they will also confront me if they believe that I am making harmful decisions. This is what a family should do. I am so thankful for mine.
I have also been blessed with some really good friends. I have friends from every point in my life and, again, I would not trade any of them for the world. I have travelled with them, celebrated their weddings, their children, their accomplishments. I have laughed and cried with them - and they have laughed and cried with me. I am proud of the people I have surrounded myself with and I hope that my friendships last through the years.

10) Matt:

This death has made me realize how deeply I love Matt and how devastated I would be if anything happened to him. I really cannot say much more than this. I have watched as he has grieved with and supported his friend - her boyfriend. He is an amazing partner, a wonderful friend and a wonderful person.
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I simply cannot wrap my head around the idea that someone came the point where life was so completely hopeless and meaningless. I hope that her family, her boyfriend, and her friends can learn how to move forward. I do not know what those steps look like. And I am thankful that I have now had the opportunity to affirm how much I love those around me - and that I feel their love for me. I hope that I never understand what it is to be so hopeless and alone - even though you cannot convince me that she was ever really hopeless or alone. The girl I knew was full of life and potential. Depression can drastically change your perspective of the world, and my heart breaks for her in those last moments of her life. I cannot even imagine what that felt like.